Recently I have been feeling more stressed out than usual. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the horrible month of March, but I am slowly falling apart under the amount of work and decisions I have to make for the future. I am going to start college next year so I have been receiving and awaiting acceptances and rejections from schools. As I have been getting acceptances I am realizing that I don’t know where I want to go to college. I haven’t been getting excited about the acceptances I receive because I am so worried that I didn’t apply to schools that I actually want to go to. I know I applied to schools that have my major but looking back, I should have put more consideration into where I applied. I envy the people who know where they want to go for college. I don’t want to regret the decision I make about where I go to college, what I choose to study, and whether or not I choose to run track in college. I’m second guessing every decision I have made about college and I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of leaving everything I know now to go somewhere and study something that I don’t even know I will like. I thought I knew what I wanted to study but now I’m wondering if its actually what I want to do, or if I just chose to do that because there was no better option. I also thought I knew that I wanted to run track in college, but sometimes I wonder if I was just put on that path and never had the sense to take myself off.
Sometimes I regret working hard in high school because it seems like it has done nothing for me in the long run. Everyone always told me that I could get in to any college I want because I have such good grades. They were wrong. I just got rejected from one of the schools I applied to because I obviously wasn’t smart enough. Part of me was glad I got rejected because it makes it one less option to decide on, and that school doesn’t offer scholarships so I would have had to make the decision of whether or not to go there. But I’m also disappointed because I thought that I worked hard enough to get into that school. I feel like I’m slowly giving up on trying in school not because I got rejected (I just got the rejection yesterday), but because I realize now that I may have wasted my time and many opportunities while I was too busy worrying about school. I want to enjoy my senior year. I honestly have hated high school because of the torture it has been for me. Working hard isn’t a bad thing. I have achieved a lot from my hard work, but I have also missed out on a lot too.
There’s just a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make. This kind of went more off track than I expected, but have a nice day!